"Then the president got out his orange floaters and splashed around in the shallow end of the water. When it was time to go home, they stopped off at McDonalds and he got a Happy Meal for dinner, but was upset when the toy wasn’t the one he wanted. He watched TV and played on his phone until it was bedtime, but he couldn’t sleep, so he started a fight with one of our allies, fired a few more members of his staff, and ordered his generals to drop another bomb on Afghanistan."
In a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a “loser” and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet.
“Earth is a terrible, very bad planet,” he told the White House press corps. “It’s maybe the worst planet in the solar system, and it’s far from the biggest.”
Trump blasted former President Barack Obama for signing deals that committed the United States to remain on the planet Earth indefinitely. “Obama is almost as big a loser as Earth,” Trump said. “If Obama was a planet, guess what planet he’d be? That’s right: Earth.”
When asked which planet he would make a new deal with, Trump offered few specifics, saying only, “The solar system has millions of terrific planets, and they’re all better than Earth, which is a sick, failing loser.”
The news site Axios had reported on Thursday that the president’s current device was an iPhone with only one app: Twitter. It cited anonymous White House officials who said that limiting screen time was key to “forcing a more disciplined President Trump”, as witnessed on his overseas tour:
In Trump’s case, it’s curtailing his time watching TV and banging out tweets on his iPhone. Trump himself has been pushing staff to give him more free time. But staff does everything it can to load up his schedule to keep him from getting worked up watching cable coverage, which often precipitates his tweets. It has worked well overseas so far.
Stephen Colbert: "Who's the real Donald Trump - is he a cartoonish egomaniac, or an entirely different kind of maniac?"
Shinder is the brilliant work of entrepreneur, author, product designer, motivational speaker, and all-around-jokester Shed Simove. He’s also behind such stunts as a book called What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex—the kicker: the book contains 200 blank pages—and another called Fifty Shades Of Gray, which also contains 200 blank pages, except they go from light to dark grey (four pages for every shade) as the book goes on.
As for the Shinder app—tagline: “quality, not quantity”—it’s very real, and the 45-year-old Simove is using it to find love on V-Day, per The Mirror. (He’s already had more than 100 matches so far.) “I’ve anticipated the scarcity of potential matches will create increased demand, and with that more chance of dating successes,” he told The Mirror. “I’m now a big fish in my own pond.”
Two North Dakota Representatives have some pretty outdated ideas for how women should be spending their Sunday mornings. In their defense of North Dakota’s “Blue Laws” ― which require some businesses to open late on Sunday mornings and some businesses to stay closed altogether ― Representatives Bernie Satrom and Vernon Laning seemed to express that Sunday mornings should be spent time traveling back to the norms of the 1950s rather than running errands. According to Satrom, women should spend their Sunday mornings bringing their husbands breakfast in bed.
|“O’ cruel fate, to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones—it bones for thee.”|
|#TeamGB #Rio2016 luggage provided by adidas caused a baggage claim disaster when returning to London|
backpfeifengesicht (German): "a face in need of a good punch"
|2014 - 'Michaelangelo, The Creation of cAt-dam', by Zarathustra the Cat|
|Anti-weed film poster from 1942.|
"The same sources went on to question whether you fully perceived the inevitability of your own death, and not simply as a mere abstraction, but rather as the concrete, unavoidable, steadily approaching reality that it is. Indeed, these sources urged you to stop and look at your hands for a moment—really look at them, right now—and consider how they will one day rot away entirely—flesh, blood, cartilage, bone; all of it, completely gone—in the days and months and years and millennia after you have been fully and eternally extinguished from existence."