Monday, December 19, 2016

Election 2016: The Funnies

#TrumpCantRead #TrumpCabinetBand #ResistTrump #PussyGrabsBack #BetterThanBigotry #TrumpBookReport #MuslimsReportStuff #LockerRoomTalk #MakeAmericaBrannigan #TecateBeerWall

But one of Jack Kirby’s most prescient creations was the proto-Trump, Glorious Godfrey. Kirby designed Glorious Godfrey as an evangelist in the Billy Graham model—Kirby is said to have accused Graham of promoting “biblical fascism.” Glorious Godfrey’s parallels to Donald Trump are uncanny—their terrifying, elaborate orange bouffant hairdos pumped full of air are only the start. They rise to power on television, and they both manipulate the emotions of their followers in order to divide, conquer, and oppress.

A video posted by TalkThirtyToMe™ (@talkthirtytome) on

A photo posted by Johan Ekman (@jekman74) on

"Tens of thousands of voters in Texas want Harambe, the gorilla shot dead in the Cincinnati zoo in May, to become the next leader of the free world.

Public Policy Polling released its latest survey on Tuesday, revealing that the Internet famous gorilla is polling at 2 per cent, the same number as Green Party presidential hopeful Jill Stein. And for those interested, Donald Trump is leading Hillary Clinton 50-44, largely thanks to white voters in the state."

A 12-year-old boy is running Donald Trump’s presidential campaign office in one of Colorado’s most vital counties, according to a new report. Weston Imer runs operations for the Republican presidential nominee’s camp in Jefferson County, KDVR News said Sunday. KDVR News said Jefferson County is one of the most populous counties in Colorado, as it includes part of the Denver metro area. Imer is responsible for gathering volunteers and helping get out the vote for Trump in the critical swing state, the news station added.

“Get involved,” Imer said Sunday when asked what he hopes to accomplish in his role. “That’s what I’m going to say. Get involved. Kids need to be educated.

by Luke Choice, velvetspectrum (instagram)

CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—Republican front-runner Donald Trump was crying foul on Monday after Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders allegedly dispatched an army of vegan thugs to attack a rally of peace-loving Nazis in Cincinnati. According to Trump, he had begun to address a group of “orderly and civil Nazis” at a downtown arena when his audience was suddenly set upon by an unruly mob of angry vegans, many menacingly clad in Birkenstocks and sustainable garments.

The Sanders supporters, singing an alarmingly militant version of Simon & Garfunkel’s “America,” marched into the arena and began “intimidating and threatening” the Nazis, Trump said. “Make no mistake about who is starting the violence at these rallies,” Trump said. “It’s the vegans.”

Carol Foyler, a Nazi from suburban Cincinnati, said that she feared for her life when one of the vegans “ripped a Trump sign” from her hands and “tried to recycle it.” Harland Dorrinson, a Kentucky Nazi who drove to Ohio to hear Trump speak, said he would never have attended the rally if he had known “there would be troublemaking vegans there. One of them tried to swing an NPR tote bag at my head,” the terrified Nazi said.

Vermin Supreme Says He 'Paved The Way For Donald Trump'
Who is Vermin Supreme and why does he say he "paved the way for Donald Trump"?
Posted by Newsy on Sunday, February 7, 2016

"Donald Trump on Thursday retweeted an insult to Iowa voters, just hours after a poll showed him behind retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson in the state.

"@mygreenhippo #BenCarson is now leading in the #polls in #Iowa. Too much #Monsanto in the #corn creates issues in the brain? #Trump #GOP"
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 22, 2015

"'@mygreenhippo #BenCarson is now leading in the #polls in #Iowa. Too much #Monsanto in the #corn creates issues in the brain? #Trump #GOP,'" Trump's retweet states."

"More than anyone I knew, Ted seemed to have arrived in college with a fully formed worldview,” Butler College colleague Erik Leitch said. “And what strikes me now, looking at him as an adult and hearing the things he's saying, it seems like nothing has changed. Four years of an Ivy League education, Harvard Law, and years of life experience have altered nothing."

Craig Mazin said he knew some people might be afraid to speak in the press about a senator, but added of Cruz, “We should be afraid that someone like that has power.”

And the idea that his freshman roommate could someday be the leader of the free world? “I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States. Anyone,” Mazin said. “I would rather pick somebody from the phone book."

Republican consultant Rick Wilson denigrated supporters of Donald Trump on Tuesday, painting them as anti-Semitic lacking ambition, Crooks and Liars reported.

“The fact of the matter is, most of them are childless single men who masturbate to anime,” Wilson told MSNBC host Chris Hayes. “They’re not real political players. These are not people who matter in the overall course of humanity.”

The GOP, Wilson insisted, is still being driven by the belief in a limited-government platform.

“I don’t think that this other stuff that Trump is toying with is part of the mainstream conservative movement by any stretch of the imagination,” he added.

» 7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela (Because we all love #hispandering right?)

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) on Monday said he plans to introduce legislation banning all Muslim refugees from Syria from entering America. Christian refugees from Syria, however, would be allowed.

“There is no meaningful risk of Christians committing acts of terror,” he said. “If there were a group of radical Christians pledging to murder anyone who had a different religious view than they, we would have a different national security situation.”

Fellow candidate Jeb Bush had just finished answering the question, bragging that he's 7-0 in his fantasy football league before saying that “there should be some regulation” with fantasy sports betting.

"Are we really talking about fantasy football," an incredulous Chris Christie yelled after the question was asked. "Wait a second, we have $19 trillion in debt, people out of work, ISIS and Al Qaeda attacking us and we're talking about fantasy football?"

"Amid his outburst, however, Christie may forgotten an email his own campaign sent supporters just weeks ago, equating the 2016 presidential race with fantasy football. 'Have you set your lineup this week,' Christie campaign Digital Director Lauren Fritts wrote in the Sept. 24 email. 'This is a friendly reminder to double check and submit your lineup before the start of the Giants ... game tonight at 8:25 p.m.'"

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