Thursday, September 10, 2009

How To Lose A Football Game... William & Mary.

TallerInTheDark, John Meacham:

  • Be the University of Virginia (UVA).
  • Your fans should show up to the game, but they should be absolutely sure to NOT BE THAT INTO IT. All males should be wearing a dress shirt (nicely pressed and tucked), khaki shorts, an orange and blue tie (diagonally striped), and boat shoes. No exceptions. All females should be wearing sun dresses. Again, no exceptions.
  • In the three hours immediately prior to kick-off, all occupants of fraternity houses, or any other houses within a three mile radius of Scott Stadium, must be in their front yards mingling around a game of “Corn Hole” (Opposing teams try to throw a bean bag into a hole cut out of a wooden thing. Participants hold red solo cups filled with beer, and that big guy [the one who is wearing the hat with the confederate flag on it] comes out onto the porch and says “Bra, I didn’t even know William and Mary had a football team [High-five, high-five, high-five...]“).
  • At halftime, sitting on a 14-13 lead, half of your student body (UVA’s) should leave the game. “Corn Hole” ISN’T GOING TO PLAY ITSELF.
  • You should use three quarterbacks, commit seven turnovers, and pay your coach 1.6 million dollars a year.
  • From here on out, all you need to do is "hear the thunder of [William and Mary's] chorus, Alma Mater hail." They also sing it to candle-light. Also, their symphony does it.
  • Wallow in deep, deep shame. Overhear someone say “Bra, I didn’t even know William and Mary had a football team.” Where there were once high-fives remains only the saddest sort of silence. No amount of drunken Corn-Holing can cover this pain.

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