|by Luke Choice, velvetspectrum (instagram)|
CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—Republican front-runner Donald Trump was crying foul on Monday after Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders allegedly dispatched an army of vegan thugs to attack a rally of peace-loving Nazis in Cincinnati. According to Trump, he had begun to address a group of “orderly and civil Nazis” at a downtown arena when his audience was suddenly set upon by an unruly mob of angry vegans, many menacingly clad in Birkenstocks and sustainable garments.
The Sanders supporters, singing an alarmingly militant version of Simon & Garfunkel’s “America,” marched into the arena and began “intimidating and threatening” the Nazis, Trump said. “Make no mistake about who is starting the violence at these rallies,” Trump said. “It’s the vegans.”
Carol Foyler, a Nazi from suburban Cincinnati, said that she feared for her life when one of the vegans “ripped a Trump sign” from her hands and “tried to recycle it.” Harland Dorrinson, a Kentucky Nazi who drove to Ohio to hear Trump speak, said he would never have attended the rally if he had known “there would be troublemaking vegans there. One of them tried to swing an NPR tote bag at my head,” the terrified Nazi said.
Vermin Supreme Says He 'Paved The Way For Donald Trump'
Who is Vermin Supreme and why does he say he "paved the way for Donald Trump"? newsy.com/56839
Posted by Newsy on Sunday, February 7, 2016
"Donald Trump on Thursday retweeted an insult to Iowa voters, just hours after a poll showed him behind retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson in the state.
"@mygreenhippo #BenCarson is now leading in the #polls in #Iowa. Too much #Monsanto in the #corn creates issues in the brain? #Trump #GOP"
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 22, 2015
"'@mygreenhippo #BenCarson is now leading in the #polls in #Iowa. Too much #Monsanto in the #corn creates issues in the brain? #Trump #GOP,'" Trump's retweet states."
"More than anyone I knew, Ted seemed to have arrived in college with a fully formed worldview,” Butler College colleague Erik Leitch said. “And what strikes me now, looking at him as an adult and hearing the things he's saying, it seems like nothing has changed. Four years of an Ivy League education, Harvard Law, and years of life experience have altered nothing."
Craig Mazin said he knew some people might be afraid to speak in the press about a senator, but added of Cruz, “We should be afraid that someone like that has power.”
And the idea that his freshman roommate could someday be the leader of the free world? “I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States. Anyone,” Mazin said. “I would rather pick somebody from the phone book."
Republican consultant Rick Wilson denigrated supporters of Donald Trump on Tuesday, painting them as anti-Semitic lacking ambition, Crooks and Liars reported.
“The fact of the matter is, most of them are childless single men who masturbate to anime,” Wilson told MSNBC host Chris Hayes. “They’re not real political players. These are not people who matter in the overall course of humanity.”
The GOP, Wilson insisted, is still being driven by the belief in a limited-government platform.
“I don’t think that this other stuff that Trump is toying with is part of the mainstream conservative movement by any stretch of the imagination,” he added.
» 7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela (Because we all love #hispandering right?)
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) on Monday said he plans to introduce legislation banning all Muslim refugees from Syria from entering America. Christian refugees from Syria, however, would be allowed.
“There is no meaningful risk of Christians committing acts of terror,” he said. “If there were a group of radical Christians pledging to murder anyone who had a different religious view than they, we would have a different national security situation.”
Fellow candidate Jeb Bush had just finished answering the question, bragging that he's 7-0 in his fantasy football league before saying that “there should be some regulation” with fantasy sports betting.
"Are we really talking about fantasy football," an incredulous Chris Christie yelled after the question was asked. "Wait a second, we have $19 trillion in debt, people out of work, ISIS and Al Qaeda attacking us and we're talking about fantasy football?"
"Amid his outburst, however, Christie may forgotten an email his own campaign sent supporters just weeks ago, equating the 2016 presidential race with fantasy football. 'Have you set your lineup this week,' Christie campaign Digital Director Lauren Fritts wrote in the Sept. 24 email. 'This is a friendly reminder to double check and submit your lineup before the start of the Giants ... game tonight at 8:25 p.m.'"